Yankee go home. (Take us with you.)

Illustration: DIWAKAR CHETTRI

For those of us who devour dish-information for current affairs, it is now looking like Nepal is about to declare war on the United States. Forget the Russians massing troops on the Ukraine border, the media should note that Nepal is fully mobilised to deploy the country’s entire arsenal and urinal to taken the Americans head-on.

Never in history since we went to war against the East India Company and lost half the country have Nepalis faced such an existential threat. It is time for all patriots who did not get their DV lottery to take revenge.

There are many retaliatory steps we can take against the Millennial Challenge. The Ass, in the ultra-national interest, has come up with a top secret highly classified list of options, and will divulge it below if you take a solemn oaf not to go around blurting it out to anyone. 

• The Americans are eyeing our uranium deposits in Mustang, and the MCC is a ruse to mine it. Nepal should therefore get its centrifuges spinning to enrich plutonium to build our own nuclear deterrent.
• Atom bums are useless without a missile delivery system, so we must install those warheads on locally-manufactured leather cannons that spread such terror among Company soldiers at Nalapani in 1814.
• Nepalis will not be kicked around anymore by Sam Kaka. As Comrade Lotus flower once so eloquently put it, Nepal is a dynamite between two boulders. He co-signed that letter to the MCC to show that he will not take things lying down anymore — he will kowtow.
• The Americans should not be allowed to improve our highways, it will make it easier for them to invade us. Our defence strategy is to keep our roads in such a poor state that they will stop American tanks in their tracks. In a military exercise last week, a Bailey bridge over the Arun collapsed, proving that this strategy works brilliantly.
• Electric power comes out of the barrel of a gun.
• We cannot accept the $500 million MCC grant because if we do, the Americans may want to give us an even bigger aid package in future.
• The MCC compact says disputes will be decided at an international arbitration court. We cannot allow that. Nepal’s courts must prevail because we have no rule of law.
• Can’t trust the Nepali Congress because it is named after the American Congress.
• Since India has banned the export of lab animals, the Americans want to use the MCC to kidnap our monkeys.
• How can we support a project that has to be completed in 5 years? Like Pokhara International Airport and Melamchi, we need at least 40 years.
• Yankee, go home! (And Take us with you.)

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