Unfair sex

After celebrating World Wildlife Day which coincided with Global Day of Baristas on Thursday, the world as we know it is now getting ready to mark the International Women’s Day (IWD) on Tuesday.

After fulfilling the onerous responsibility of holding up all the sky for most of human history, we men can now safely bequeath to the womenfolk the duty of holding up not just the rightful half of the sky, but our half as well. 

This will mean more free time for men so that we can indulge in various hygienic pursuits that we have previously neglected because of our busy schedules — like burping loudly in public and excavating our ear wax. 

IWD is a special occasion to celebrate the empowerment and self-reliance of women, and their rejection of expensive beauty products that were being foisted on them through clever advertising for the sole purpose of appealing to hunter gatherer men. 

The time has therefore come for us men and boys to take up the cudgels, and put in some effort ourselves to look fair and lovely. (Editor’s note: Google ‘cudgel’ to check if it is a rude word.)

A recent survey showed that 80% of the men in the Subcontinent secretly break into the cosmetic drawers of their wives to steal beauty products. The other 20% dressed up as women and bought fairness cream from their neighbourhood drug store, according to unusually reliable sources.

(This week’s column is a Special Advertorial Supplement proudly sponsored by Pale FaceTM brand fairness cream for men. Registered TradeMark, Copy-cats Will Be Persecuted. Patent Pending.) 

Thankfully, it is the private sector that has come to the rescue by launching a risky and pioneering venture to announce new products designed for men. After achieving astounding KPI and sales in parts of the Turd World, the companies have discovered a vast untapped market in Nepal among male consumers for a range of fairness lotions and potions under the brand name White ElephantTM. 

The fact that cosmetics conglomerates these days do not discriminate between the needs of men and women is a sign that we are finally edging towards gender parity in everyday life. Card-carrying members of the male persuasion will now have the same access to beauty products that women have. 

This was not easy, since he-men like us tend to be more thick-skinned and hirsute. The new oinkment therefore had to be an industrial grade mixture of bleach, exfoliator, concentrated white enamel paint with a paraffin-based emulsion fixer. Directions for use: Apply liberally on the affected dark areas twice a day after meals. And, voila, within just two days you won’t be dark and ugly anymore, you will be fair and handsome like Michael Jackson. 

The product range also has the popular Albino Crème de la CrèmeTM designed for high society men. So, this March 8 all men of drinking age and above should symbolically demonstrate their solidarity for gender equality by using products designed for women, and take up the cudgels to be fair to the unfair sex.

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